Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Why I'm glad I didn't give up on a book too early

I borrowed this book for my kindle from my local library (technology is amazing). Honestly? I started reading it, got a few pages through and returned it. I just wasn't feeling it and felt blah about it. I'm one of those people that juggles 5 or 6 books at a time. I like to flip back and forth and I have no idea why. So I went back to reading Let's All Be Brave: Living Life with Everything You Have for the bloom book club book. Even if I'm not always the most active in the discussions about the Bloom books, I generally read them all. Annie mentioned the book in her book stating that we should read Freefall to Fly, please. So I succumbed to peer (author) pressure, re-checked it out and started reading it. I clearly put this book down too early. A little back story. I have dealt with anxiety and depression since I was a small child. My childhood was far from ideal therefore my environmental factors played a huge role in a disorder that can also be genetic, which is a contributor in my case. They are considered mood disorders by the American Psychological Association and the first line of treatment from doctors? Medication. Medications that make you feel and behave like a zombie are usually their answer. I have taken many of these. Many that have made my chronic pain condition worse. Many that friends and family could immediately tell that something was off about me, that I wasn't my usual spazzy, happy self. They were seemingly convinced that the pain I am in most nights, and my insomnia were solely related to my inability to get my brain to shut up over anxiety. They were kind of hand in hand, yes, but not the only reason. The chronic pain condition started many years later and while it didn't help the anxiety and depression, it certainly was not caused by it. At this time, I am not taking medication for any mood disorders.
Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”20 He promises our weary souls rest, but do we really believe Him? Do we trust that the God of this universe is strong enough to lighten our loads?
-"Freefall to Fly" Rebekah Lyons After I read this section of the book, my eyes glazed over in tears, I dropped my kindle and fell to my bed, on my knees, crying and praying. I was so overcome with emotion and a feeling of grace that I couldn't handle it. I prayed for recovery, I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for thankfulness from our Lord. I prayed for my son, my family, my dog (she was curled up in my face trying to figure out what in the world I was doing). I felt a strange sense of peace, a feeling of settling in my soul that was so hard to explain. I glanced at the verse from Matthew every few minutes and repeated them to myself. I read her book as another Mom, as a woman, as a follower of Christ, and as someone who also suffers from sometimes crippling anxiety. I didn't know that that was what this book was about when I first checked it out. I liked the cover, I liked the blurb, I saw the recommendations. I had no idea how much of an impact this author's words would have on me. Like Rebekah, I'm in my early 30's, and feel like my true path in life was cut down my others who were not as encouraging, who wanted to pigeon hole me. I used to win awards for my writing as a student, but because those I was closest to didn't see it as good enough, or as real writing, I felt discouraged and gave up. Now I'm even more determined to pave my way as God sees fit. I need to use the gifts I have, anxiety ridden and all, and ride it out. God has a plan for me and I need to let go and let God have control of my ship. I think I ended up adding 6 more books to my wishlist on Amazon because of her as well! A couple of quotes I loved from her book:
one of my heroes, Viktor Frankl, believed anxiety was “due to [a person’s] sense of unfulfilled responsibility and a lack of meaning.” If I was to sustain or even complete this journey, fulfilling my responsibility would be critical
If we ignore the yearnings of our souls, we atrophy, and our dreams die. Sadly, many of us choose this descent because we believe it’s safer. If we don’t hope, we won’t be let down. If we don’t imagine, reality won’t disappoint. Either way, we avoid pain

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1 comment:

  1. I'm your neighbor at Holley's. You and I approach reading the same way. I think that sometimes God knows we're not ready for a book yet, then when the time is right He takes a book we thought was "bleh" and changes our life with it!